Sports that were stiff to miss out on getting a gig at Beijing.
Plenty of other sports could easily make way for some of their far more exciting, innovative and daring counterparts. Men's beach volleyball for one. Even the most desperate spinster and the most pervacious gay man aren't interested in checking this out. Perhaps replace the event with a medal presentation ceremony for the cameramen deemed to have brought about the most innocent looking zoom-in of arsecrack / cameltoe during the womens' event?
As such, I bring about the first of my suggestions to be taken under consideration for London 2012. That being Pub Rules Pool. I'm sure I'd have the support of the mass-media on this one, purely on the grounds of the drama that this event can generate at the drop of a hat. Jana's knee injury in Athens, Thorpey's false start in the selection trials, conspiracy theories of government terrorism toward rival nations, quite frankly, do not hold a candle to the trials that are brought about by things such as the table eating your last one dollar coin, being stuck with the dodgy cue, or even a lack of chalk. Watching the NBA basketballers having to adapt to the global definition of a travel don't even begin to compare to the conventions employed by the pubs of various regions across the nation, possibly even the world.
Shoot backwards off the break? Two shots or not on the black? Half circle or line? The IOC and it's 324290862 delegates may all of a sudden appear a necessity to formulate a global definition of these rules. These rules would then be used to bring about an aspect missing from global sport for far too long. Degrading and humiliating your beaten opponent. Would Leisel Jones have been as harshly criticized for her well publicized sook on the dias in Athens, had she been forced to do also partake in a lap around the pool with her swimsuit around her ankles? Hmm....savour that thought as long as you need.
Another sport drawing it's fair share of controversy as always, is the equestrian and dressage events. "Why is this an Olympic sport? It's not a sport featuring man, it also involves, like, horses and shit, too!", the most common, followed by general wondering about whether or not that poncy looking bloke on the horse used to chair the meetings of the local chapter of the Young Libs. Simple solution. Remove this sport, and replace it with one that we're actually going to give a rat's tossbag about well after the Games finishes, because, quite frankly it is the ultimate spectator sport.
Watching women drivers attempt to parallel park.
I'm more than willing to volunteer my services to volunteer the test round of this event, and even charter the degrees of difficulty required for a perfect score, as women drivers attempt to not only parallel park that hatchback into a carparking spot that's not there, whilst attempting to do their hair, ensure the radio is permanently on Nova, chop out a text message to their BFF, apply makeup, and suck on a Boost juice, all simultaneously. I personally see this proposal as being consistent with the Olympic mission statement of overcoming racial barriers. At Beijing, we've seen African-Americans win gold medals in the pool already, in London, could we see an Asian be considered a good driver within society? Unlikely. But it's worth a try.
The triathlon hasn't even begun yet and even just thinking about it, makes me feel uneasy. Those things never end good. You don't win them. You survive them. Or failing that, end up on one of those motivational posters, having involuntarily shit yourself halfway through. 5 grams of gold is not worth spending the rest of the Games in a hospital bed hooked up to an IV drip, whilst the Olympic village break more world records, usually in the field of condom consumption. (footnote - the Athlete Village in Athens went through 130, 000 condoms during the 2004 Games. With the village holding 10, 500 athletes over a two week period, this equates to roughly 7 being used every minute of the day for two weeks. Is it any coincidence that the gold medals are often held in the right hand?).
As such, I propose a complete revamp of the triathlon. This traditional event will now be replaced by the Nightclub Triathlon. Athletes will endure a true test of endurance as they endeavour to line up outside a pretentious nightclub, before the gauntlet is well and truly thrown down, with the challenge of being made to line up for a drink at the bar being set. Finally, any competitor left standing will be forced to endure a gruelling session on the dancefloor, whilst some bloke "mixing" the latest Ministry of Sound CD on their Ipod blares out through the club speakers.
With good-intentioned wellwishers offering cups of water by the roadside being replaced by promo girls attempting to offer crudely mixed guarana based spirits, in exchange for mobile numbers to add to the guest list telemarketing database, I believe that this is an Olympic event that any average Australian can aspire to. Anything to get Ben Cousins in the Athletes Village as a mentor really.
Anyone have any other suggestions?
