Instead I offer you this dire warning. If you are of a remotely sane nature, please ensure that before you see this film, you check with your health insurance provider that you're covered from strokes, brian anuerysms and minor heart failure, directly caused by or relating to (but certainly not limited to):
* - Glorification of the human race's inability to interpret their counterparts' most basic movements on a daily basis, and their ensuing inability to cope with life as a result.
* - Basic inability to interpret Jane Austen novels into a film script
* - A hammering home of the films' main message so many times, you check your temple for whether or not you now have "Bunnings" imprinted in your skull at the end of the film.
The nicest thing I can offer about this film, is that it is, by nature, the antithesis of Love Actually. Every last feel-good bit of Love Actually, it's ensemble, it's various messages about life as we know it, are now ruined by this festering turd offered by the citizens of Bizarro World. At worst, the best you can hope for is to pray that somewhere around 20 minutes into this film, it strangely without reason, segues into a period piece on World War Two-era Germany, and a horde of SS troops storm the set, and mistake the entire cast for Anne Frank, and incinerate them all, leaving no trace of them, and their film having ever existed.
Somewhere in between, lies the unnerving knowledge, that the most likeable/bearable cast member in the entire film, is Ben Affleck. Ben Affleck. The same guy, who, if you found him wandering around in the background of an Al-Qaeda home movie, decapitating your entire family, you'd still feel slightly enamoured by the Santa Claus beard and the dialysis machine of that other angry guy instead.
As I allude to above, this film isn't a celebration of our wacky wins and losses in the game of love. It's a collaboration of society's most common psychotic acts perpetrated against the opposite sex dressed up in a cute little bow, to the point where you have no choice but to view Vagina as a terminal disease, rather than a gender by the end of the film. Whilst these acts of love sickness are true to life, the repercusions of these, highlighted by the film's lack of restraining orders, are far from it.
Those responsible for writing the screenplay, should also be banned from their local Starbucks, so that they at least have no reason to read another Jane Austen book again. The purpose of Jane Austen reaches far beyond the simple concept that out of a complicated love story, the situation is solved by the male character being simply marginalized into the role of "villian" in the space of the final ten minutes, and those who use the good name of Mr. Darcy to act out their Daddy issues on screen should never be allowed to get a movie deal ever again as a result of their failure to understand this.
Whilst having a film's message imbedded into my skull was pleasant enough. The realisation that it was never once fully touched on in the film was equally as annoying. Congratulations, Captain Obvious, people want what they can't have, and as such are unhappy or unsatisfied with what they can have. Now explain to me again, why I'm supposed to hate Brad Cooper's character for failing to turn down a half naked Scarlet Johansson, in favour of Jennifer Connelly's whingy bitch-poster child for domestic violence-wish she'd just raid Nicole Kidman's botox cupboard once in a while character?
At this point, I feel it also worth noting that the director of this film was also responsible for such cinematic icons as "Dunston Checks In" and "Beautician & The Beast". It's things like this that make me realise how short a period of time that 8 years can be, when you realise it was the period of time between films after B&TB, that he was actually given film work again. Another 8 years would go down very well.
You have to ask yourself what you will get out of going to see a film. For me, whilst feeling like a mild stroke victim after having seen this film, I still feel mentally stronger for having done it. Whether or not I'm strong enough to cope with a sequel however, is long out of the question. For those who may read this review, you will not feel any better about your particular philosophies to dating and romance, you will not feel any better about the opposite sex, you will probably not want to see any future films starring any cast member of this film ever again, nor will you be entertained. You will however, scratch your head a lot, as the plot goes in one direction, then suddenly decides it's not working out, and then goes in the complete opposite direction with no explanation offered whatsoever (case in point, the final scene featuring Affleck and Aniston).
Hopefully, however, you will not be as analytical of the film as I am, and wonder why no-one has ever realised that every film Jennifer Aniston has been in since her break up from Brad Pitt has been a poor attempt at catharsis, that only ends up making more and more people think she's not all there. That's my spot as a Hollywood therapist. Not yours.
Malcolm Turnbull = the Bon Jovi of Australian Politics?
Six months into their respective roles of Federal Leader of the Opposition and the leader of one of the most successful artists of the hair metal music period, both had limited audiences. Bon Jovi had the small listener base of WAPP-FM, a small FM radio station out of Manhattan, Turnbull, a growing group of small L Liberals, most of whom who saw him as a necessary evil, as a means of regaining power at the next Federal election. With the respective demises of Peter Costello and Styx, saw these small power bases only grow further.
Having ridden the wave of their honeymoon periods, Bon Jovi's 1984 debut self titled album reaching the dizzy heights of 18 on the New Zealand charts, Malcolm Turnbull having defeated Brendan Nelson in a leadership spill, it was only a matter of time before the public wondered what we'd get next from these two complete opposites.
Then it all began to fall apart. Bon Jovi's 1985 release 7800°Fahrenheit was panned by British metal album as being ""a pale imitation of the Bon Jovi we have got to know and learned to love.".....and yeah, there's the quote I was after....
The Turnbull response to the Rudd Government stimulus package could also be accused of being a pale imitation of the Malcolm Turnbull we have got to know and learned to love. This isn't fiscal discipline, this is an example of an inability to display to the public what the Turnbull Opposition truly stand for. Members of Bon Jovi all agreed that 7800°Fahrenheit could have and should have been a much better finished product, and are now so embarassed by it, they no longer play any of the songs from that album live, which on a personal sidenote, is quite a pity, I like "Secret Dreams". How long before the Opposition are so embarassed by this stance, which could have and should have been so much better, that they now refuse to refer to this part of the song book in Question Time? If a recent Fran Bailey interview is anything to go by, not far at all.
My initial reaction to the stimulus package was, at least from an opposition perspective intent on making ground on the Government, to ensure that they bring down the overall total figure of 42 billion, to at least be able to point to a populist argument that gets Turnbull some positive media attention, whilst being able to point to a degree of fiscal discipline in saying they've at least saved the average tax payer, x billion dollars. Where possible, to also demand that each item of stimulus was passed as a seperate bill through the senate, to ensure that the minor parties in the Senate at least have a chance of being able to have their say, without thinking of the bigger picture of whether or not they stay next time their half of the senate is up for grabs.
It wasn't until one reads the relevant Hansard that you will find that the Opposition support exactly such a move, preferring a stimulus package of between 15-20 billion instead. But those who need it most, are more than likely not to have bothered with such documents. Should the need for advertising plasma screen TVs on the bottom of the daily Hansard ever arise, this may change, but for the time being, news grabs of Turnbull preaching fiscal discipline instead were the order of the day. To Barry Battler, the only way to interpret this was "Who is this rich prick, and why can't I have my money?".
What could have been Turnbull's "Slippery When Wet" moment, when the majority of the nation, perhaps even the world, take notice of them for the first time, and realise they have a serious contender to the crown on their hands, quickly became a 7800°Fahrenheit one instead. The damage is certainly now done, with the Government preferring to negotiate with messrs Fielding, Xenothon and the Greens instead, to almost certainly pass this through the senate by tomorrow's close of business, with their own amendments attached. Leaving the Turnbull Opposition appearing Grinch-like by it's lonesome. Furthermore, the damage is done, with plausibly the door being shut on the prospect of having an election heavily dominated by who has the best economic management credentials. The effect of the Rudd stimulus package on future budgets sees the nation having multi-billion dollar deficits for the foreseeable future. No matter how good the Opposition treasury benches become, or how incompetent Swan becomes by contrast, good luck managing those sets of figures in a hurry.
So for the time being, whilst the Opposition struggle to present an alternative that sees them within the public spotlight for all the right reasons, and subsequently find themselves, *cough*, Living On A Prayer, This Left, at least on it's stimulus package, Feels Right.
The Victoria Bushfires, and it's greater ramifications.
Yet constantly over the past few days, I find myself and my Facebook status updates page bombarded with constant reassurance that I have a network of friends who do indeed find our volunteer fire fighters somewhat a lot more handy than the after-thought they were relegated to a few weeks ago, or that those who I've never perceived to be the nightly prayers type are promoting the ambigiously referred to "loved ones" as the headline act of tonight's Prayerfest. Perhaps I've just overestimated the importance of air to staying alive, or underestimated the cult popularity of kiddy fiddlers also...
The real miracle to come out of this drama, is that the death toll is not far higher than what it currently is, given the extreme self-interest that is constantly on show for all to see from a large majority of people involved in this tragedy.
My thoughts aren't currently with anyone that has perished or has lost someone in these fires. Honestly, my thoughts are with that cheese pizza that is in my fridge, and wondering whether it's still edible after 2 days in there. This isn't to say I'm not sympathetic to those and their losses, or that I'm glad in any way shape or form. I just haven't exactly tripped over anyone in a supermarket who has just become so overcome with their thought process being nowhere but on those involved, or read any news stories about car crashes caused by sudden news updates about the bushfires that have lead to people unable to think about anything else, such as driving an automobile, and instead felt the need to pray for the first time in years, possibly ever.
Changing my Facebook status to make people aware that I'm aware of the bushfires isn't going to do anything either. Given the stampede of people rushing to do so, it's even unlikely that it will make the status update page of your Facebook friends, let alone undo the damage done by people, who, to steal a quote from The Dark Knight, just want to watch the world burn. How many would still update their status to something bushfire related, were it to mean that you had to donate $1 from your Paypal account to the bushfire appeal?
At the time of publication, I am yet to donate anything to any bushfire related charities or appeals. This is due to the fact that I have no money, no bushfire fighting related skills, and the victims of the fire have obviously suffered enough without having the burden of my horrible fashion crimes that I no longer wear imparted onto them. Should the two day old pizza in the fridge come good, those in need are welcome to share it with me, but you'd want to get here within the next two hours, as it will be gone after that. Should my circumstances change and I am able to offer something, I wouldn't tell you if I offered it anyway, it is none of your business, and quite simply would be nothing more than an act of big noting on my part. I do not need to know how much of your "hard earned" you've kicked in for a good cause or how charitable you are in comparison to the next person. What I would like to do, however, is challenge those who have attempted to purchase themselves some social credit, by "officially attending" the Buy A CFA Volunteer a Beer day, to post some sort of proof, whether it be a receipt or a photo, that you have actually done this, rather than had the good intentions to do so, as we all know the road to Hell is filed with them and all that. Please, blur out the price tag for this beer, please, don't even show us the fancy imported type of beer you bought them, even better, blur out your face to show that you're not in this for personal satisfaction.
Personally, I think I could struggle with this effort to deservedly intoxicate our volunteer firies. I don't know all that many. I don't feel comfortable about walking into my local, buying a beer, and raising it in the air before asking the entire pub; "Is anyone here a fireman?". I'd also be slightly paranoid that people may just pretend to be a firey to get a freebie out of me, and what if they don't like the type of beer that I bought them, offended that all I could offer is local swill, or even worse that I think I'm better than them by buying them the most expensive type of beer on offer? What if they don't even drink beer? Bloody hell, this is confusing.
I'd also like to point out that my links to those affected first hand by the bushfires are tenuous at best. A couple of friends of friends, associates at best really. Most of whom have suffered property damage or loss, but are physically OK just the same. My best wishes (actually, not even sure what that entails, so perhaps scrap that one. I can't say I'm in possession of a lamp or packet of Tim Tams containing a magic genie, nor does it seem like shooting star weather, so might not have many wishes to offer) go out to those who feel it necessary to big-note themselves and turn the discussion into one about themselves, by pointing out that they know the entire town of __________, and all affected by it, and have had their entire Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon game ruined, by the deaths of those in the fires, all of whom they knew very well.
And another thing...should you see a name that you know personally (like, you know, in real life, rather than those you may or may not) appear on the upcoming Ch. 9 telethon, donating their "hard earned", to let them know in no uncertain terms what a wanker they are. Please also point out how easy it is to remain anonymous or perhaps use a fake name (I hope that there are plenty of donations from Max Power) in the interests of modesty. Should anyone do the usual "Good Friday Appeal special" of requesting that Shannon Noll or Plucka Duck read their donation out on air so that they will double it, please hunt them down, and brutally donkey punch them however way you can.
You may also find that a hot conversation topic going around is currently what sentence those who started the fire should receive. "Lynch them", "Death penalty", "Life in jail", "Forced to read a lifetime supply of Jill Singer columns" are all relevant and incredibly original, I also commend you for your knowledge of the justice system. More importantly, it is worth considering that your comments on the matter obviously fail to fully take into account the lives lost here. I'm sure those who have just lost legitimate loved ones really want to hear more talk about unnecessary death at this point also.
In conclusion, The Crow once offered this quote - "If the people we love are stolen from us, the way to have them live on is to never stop loving them. Buildings burn, people die, but real love is forever", however, despite those who loved Branden Lee deciding to show their love by dressing up just like him, and going on shooting sprees in high schools worldwide, the quote remains relevant here. Remember who the real victims are here, and more importantly, remember who this series of unfortunate events is really about.
Not you.
